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Thread: Humour

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  1. #1
    I thought you might like to see this section on Tools from an Apprentice Training Manual (???):-


    DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
    WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
    DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
    PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
    BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
    HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
    TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
    PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
    HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
    UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
    Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    We all need a laugh, especially in these times.


  2. The Following User Says Thank You to cropwell For This Useful Post:

  3. #2
    JAZZCNC's Avatar
    Lives in wakefield, United Kingdom. Last Activity: 12 Hours Ago Forum Superstar, has done so much to help others, they deserve a medal. Has been a member for 9-10 years. Has a total post count of 7,689. Received thanks 1,327 times, giving thanks to others 86 times.
    Only today I've embedded the "Son of bitch" tool in the back wall which rebounded and smashed the screen on my plasma cutter just before it landed in the water table which I then shredded back of my hand on the spikes while retreving the Son of bitch which I needed to remove the snapped tool in the router....
    -use common sense, if you lack it, there is no software to help that.

  4. #3
    Yo see even Jazz is human

  5. #4
    Kitwn's Avatar
    Lives in Exmouth, Australia. Last Activity: 8 Hours Ago Has been a member for 2-3 years. Has a total post count of 676. Received thanks 87 times, giving thanks to others 19 times.
    Quote Originally Posted by phill05 View Post
    Yo see even Jazz is human
    Naahhh, we're going to need a bit more evidence than that.

    My most commonly wanted tool is the WASEAR. That's the one you reach for and can't find and then shout in rage "It WASEAR a minute ago!".
    Engineering is the art of doing for ten shillings what any fool can do for a pound.

  6. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Kitwn View Post
    My most commonly wanted tool is the WASEAR. That's the one you reach for and can't find and then shout in rage "It WASEAR a minute ago!".
    I prefer the "Pingfuckit", not a tool, but a result of use of a tool, when you remove that last bolt.

  7. #6
    Just a tip a car mechanic mate gave me years ago 'Take out the least accessible nut/bolt first. Then if it can't be done, it saves you a lot of time and effort with the rest of the job'. Then I suppose you go for the rustiest next.

    My problem now is not being able to find tools in my shitheap. I think it is an age related problem. A couple of days ago I was looking for a felt marker pen for quite a long time, until I found it in my left hand


  8. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Doddy View Post
    I prefer the "Pingfuckit", not a tool, but a result of use of a tool, when you remove that last bolt.
    ...and as I've just found... a similar sound to that made by the DB25 connector on the servo controller when you try sliding the machine into an enclosure without checking that all the cables were disconnected (definitely not a safe one-man job). First time I've torn down a servo drive - nice build... DB25 extension cable in the post to find out if I need to buy a new controller :(

  9. #8
    Enjoyed the Engineer’s dictionary!

    A couple more spring to mind:
    Allen keys - A tool for keeping you fit walking back and forth between the tool storage draw and the job until you get the right size. Can also be used to undo Allen head bolts.

    Lathe Chuck keys - Used for testing the impact resilience of the wall or anything else in between the freshly started chuck and the flight path.

    Thread taps - Useful for filling in holes in materials and making them whole again. Works especially well on jobs with many hours invested on one of the last operations.
    Building a CNC machine to make a better one since 2010 . . .
    MK1 (1st photo), MK2, MK3, MK4

  10. #9
    Quote from a machining novice, "I bought a lathe recently, and it came with an instruction book. The instructions said, 'Chuck the work and face it.' So I threw it across the workshop and looked at it for a while, but nothing happened!"

  11. #10
    Friend of mine went for a job as a lathe operator. They turned him down...

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