No parallel port I can half-understand on any new-ish computer, but USB? That's..... unusual. Any details on the computer?

The usual recommendation is typically to replace the electronics, but I can't help but think that you should be able to source a spare USB from "somewhere". I'd start there. Anything else might take rather a lot of effort and cash, and if you've yet to connect it after 18 months I'm not convinced you'd have the patience. I'm being unfairly judgmental there, and I'll apologies for that.